ASK ALFRED
Our very own Sloan prophet, Alfred P. Sloan shares wisdom and advice to help perpetually-confused Sloan students. Do you have a problem? Ask Alfred for the answer at askalfredsloan@yahoo.com.
Issue date: 12/7/04 Section: Ask Alfred
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Hi Alfred! We first years play a fun game of in-class bingo. We just wanted to let you know that anyone who manages to work your full name - "Alfred P. Sloan" - into a comment now earns triple bonus points. Aren't we clever with how we turned class time into playtime?
Actually, no. You aren't clever at all. This is just distracting nonsense. If you go to class take it seriously. Party your face off before and afterwards, but leave this crap at home. If class is truly that dull, just do what I do: imagine bizarre sexual pairings between your classmates - preferably involving individuals of all different sexes, sizes, ethnicities and temperaments. Then try to imagine what grade your TA would assign to each of the actors in your little play. That, my friends, is how you make a 90-minute class fly by.
Alfred, as a professor here at the Institute I've been troubled by the recent realization that many students are abusing the concept of group work. Indeed, some would argue that there is widespread cheating. This school is named after you. What do you think?
How do you think I managed to become head of GM? Certainly not by following ever little rule to the letter. This is global capitalism baby, not the Boy Scouts. One thing though kids, if you are going to "push the boundaries" of what's allowed, do make sure you don't get caught. Because if you do, your punishment will be severe indeed. I myself favour the technique of forcefully and repeatedly applying a paddle to the naked buttocks. It's a method I've had the pleasure to perfect over the course of my lengthy career. Why do you think we call it our monthly "board" meeting?
Dear Alfred, I'm a first year, and I'm totally panicked about exams. I think my TA hates me. I'm destined to fail!! It's not fair at all, the TA has his favorites and there's nothing I can do.
Your TA probably does hate you. Given your whiny attitude I'm starting to hate you too, and I don't have to endure your crap for a whole class. You need to step things up in a big way. Most of these TAs are weak-minded simpletons living out their power trips. Regrettably, the only thing these bozos respect is force. So it's time for you to bring the noise. I suggest you start things off by pouring a full beer on him at the BHP. Don't apologize, just say "You get in my way again I'll smack this bottle upside your face." Then pause two full seconds and add "A--hole." You can be sure your TA's going to start treating you a bit differently after that.