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Issue date: 4/7/05 Section: Ask Alfred

red provides sage advice for the lonely, the overworked, and the unethical.

Alfred, I've left things for the last minute. Any advice on finding a spring gala date? It seems like all the good guys are taken.

I'm going to assume you've already tried the traditional techniques; cruising the parking lot of local high schools, and corresponding with inmates about to come up for parole (which incidentally is how I met Tommy, who was responsible for one of the wildest weekends of my life, but that's a story for another time). You're going to have to settle for a second tier catch and ask a classmate. Rather than wracking your brain about who will say yes, I recommend you be bold and just dash off a quick mail to the yahoo group announcing that you are seeking a date. Perhaps something like "'ello fellow Sloanies. I want a date for the gala. Free Jack & Coke for the first man to say yes." The punchline is of course that you may well be lying about the Jack & Coke. You can use that carrot to have him jumping through hoops all weekend. Good Luck!


Dear Alfred, I graduate in June and will soon thereafter begin the absurd lifestyle of a consultant: traveling four nights a week to hand-hold middle American clients. I'm worried this will put some stress on my relationship. Any advice?

Long-distance relationships are the best. I have three underway right now. First there's Ivana. Our love is intense, but limited by my traveling and the fact that she speaks no English. Secondly, when I'm in the Bay area I often find myself stopping in at the parlor of a certain dominatrix known to me only as "Mistress K ". She's harsh, but not unnecessarily so. Somehow she seems to know that I deserve what I get. And finally the third passionate affair is with the hotel check-in clerk at the Cincinnati Sheraton. Her nametag says Lisa, but ever since that first night, when I summoned her to my room on the vague pretense of needing help figuring out my room's TV set, I've called her "Bambi." She calls me "Brutus." It's a little perverted, but don't judge me until you spend a winter in Cincinnati helping some moronic client get to the bottom of their business processes. Then you too will know how far a man can fall. May God have mercy on your soul.

Hello, I'm a prospective student. I got caught checking on the status of my application online. Now they say I have to reapply next year. Alfred, I'm desperate to get into MIT! Is there any possible way you can help me?

First of all, let me open by saying how much I applaud your initiative. We're not recruiting for the Boy Scouts here. This is business!! I know the current administration sees things a bit differently, but we need go-getters such as yourself. My advice is this: view the situation as a simple business transaction. My guess is that Schmalensee will be singing a different tune when you make a generous donation to fund the construction of the new building. In fact you might want to consider making the check big enough to get your name on the building. I'll let you in on a little secret. Why do you think they named the school after me? Do you think it was because of my impressive GMAT scores? Nonsense. I saw my chance to get into MIT and I took it. I advise you to do the same.

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