Fifteen

Dear Alfred,

I’m an ’08 who signed up to be an Orientation Pilot, I’m TAing two Core classes, and I’m president of a major Sloan club, but I still haven’t gotten laid?!?   What am I doing wrong?

Big ‘n Blue in Beacon Hill

I don’t think there’s a single ’08 male who can’t sympathize with your dilemma, Blue.  If you absolutely insist on pursuing the ten available ’09 females, the most direct tactic has long been known as “The TA Casting Couch.”  However, if you’re concerned about a Sloan Professional Standards violation (or prison), perhaps you need to rethink your game plan.  Sure you might impress the single ‘09s with your leadership and social activism, but ol’ Alfred is guessing that all this involvement is killing your free time.  So while you bust your butt late into the evening in the E51 club room, the guy getting all the action is buying your women $2.75 Brubakers and spreading rumors about your Viagra dependence.  Instead of soliciting ‘09s for your latest club events, you should be soliciting ‘09s with tequila shots and a fake Italian accent.  If it works for the European club, shouldn’t it work for you?

Sincerely,

Alfred P. Sloan

Dear Alfred:

Considering the quality of the comments in my ’09 Core classes, I can’t believe participation is 50% of our grade.  What’s the deal with this place?

Confused in Comm

CC, one of the joys of the Core is spending EVERY single class with the same annoying people.  Count your lucky stars if you don’t have any of the following people in your Ocean:

“The Free Thinker” — Often international, frequently long-winded, and mostly high, this character loves to argue every point as though sticking it to the Man.  Encourage the Free Thinker’s rants for entertainment or join the Thinker’s pre-class rotation to tolerate his/her wannabe Guevara-like liberalism. 

“The Attention Whore” — Usually this character was a business manager, consultant, or self-proclaimed entrepreneur who conquered the business world with a lot of daddy’s money.  When the Whore is not lecturing the class on the right way to do things, he/she loves to casually mention their own experiences three or four times a day.  Roll your eyes when the Whore starts talking and hopefully the professor will have the cohones to cut the Whore off early.   

“Academically Sponsored Student” — This lucky soul connived his/her company to pay for two years of liver abuse, late mornings, and commitment-free sexuality. Typically absent or asleep, the ASS is best known for painful responses to teacher cold-calls demonstrating a complete lack of preparation. Avoid working on teams with this character, but quickly befriend the ASS because the ASS always knows where the best parties are. 

Your trusted advisor, Alfred, has seen a lot of characters in his old age, but these three people can stop a class conversation faster than tripping down the classroom stairs with an empty pitcher in hand.

With loving care,

Al Sloan

Dear Alfred:

I got an offer from a major investment bank that I interned with, but I am getting rumors that they are going to revoke my offer.  What should I do?

Nervous about NYC

First, let me congratulate you for not hanging yourself after the inspiring CDO Reorientation entitled: “You’re All Screwed Now.”  Second, are you aware that you’re worried about losing a job that wants you to work 100 hour weeks, abandon your social life, and bury your morality for a few extra dollars?  If you are willing to embrace this, then you’re exactly the type of person the CDO loves!  Their effectiveness is based on numbers like Job Placement Percentage and Average Graduation Salary, and by god, it makes this former industry-buster proud. Say what you want about these new-age, hug-me terms like “positive feedback” and “motivational speaking,” nothing kicks these ‘08s in the butt like the fear of embarrassment and unemployment.  If you don’t believe the CDO does this, consider why 60% of the ’07 graduates accepted jobs in management consulting, a career guaranteed to end/prevent marriages? 

I have two pieces of advice for you, my friend.  One, proudly walk back into your company and perform whatever degrading acts you can to lock in that job offer.  Two, bring jelly.  These things go easier with jelly.  How do you think I got that CEO job at GM?

Your friend,

Alfred “Big Daddy “Sloan

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