Fifteen

Alfred answers questions on careers, relationships and work life balance.

Our very own MIT Sloan prophet, Alfred P. Sloan shares wisdom and advice to help perpetually-confused MIT Sloan students. Do you have a problem? Ask Alfred for the answer at askalfredp@gmail.com.

Dear Alfred,

How drunk am I allowed to get at these recruiting events?

Sincerely,

Sloshed in Somerville

Sloshed, as the CEO of GM, I would always drink heavily at corporate recruiting events. If I had to listen to these brown-nosing MBA elevator pitches while sober, I’d strangle myself with my suspenders. But where does that leave you?

2^nd year, with offer: Drink like Lindsay Lohan. Company employees envy your freedom and will barely remember your antics by the time you start. Students see your inebriation as a testament to the company’s culture. Like a drunken female at a Sloan party, everybody wants your attention.

Former employee, not returning: Drink like you’re seeing an ex-lover after months of separation. You want to demonstrate how fun and confident you are so the company thinks they screwed up as you’ve moved on to better opportunities. Praise the company loudly, but sprinkle seed of doubts. Your mantra will be, “Company X is a great place, but….”

Aspiring applicant: Drink moderately. Your goal is to appear like a potentially entertaining work buddy, but not a sexual harassment risk. Recruiters already see you as an MIT nerd so prove your polished social skills. Oh, and “volunteer” to get drinks for all your competing classmates, especially those who can’t handle their liquor….

So remember to treat these recruiting events like an awkward date. Drink until either you’re comfortable or sent home sheep-faced and unsatisfied. Follow my advice and I promise you’ll leave an impression the recruiters won’t forget.

Yours Truly,

Alfred

Dear Alfred,

I am a single second year and realize that my prospects for finding a Sloan husband are rapidly coming to a close. Any tips or strategies as we enter the final semester for graduating with a diploma AND a ring?

Bling-less in Beacon Hill

Bling-less, there are two fundamental problems with your goals. One, MBA students typically have negative cash flows until they receive their hiring bonuses. Do you really think the average male will spend this newfound wealth on a 3-carat Tiffany princess-cut engagement ring? Or important investments like a LCD TV, Vegas trips, and a decadent summer travel plan? Two, you were a senior in college once. How many graduating males did you know who were looking for a serious relationship? I predict that spring semester will see more scandalous hookups than last year’s Auburn St. apartment.

Ol’ Alfred thinks you should scrap your idea of finding a Sloan husband next semester. Wait until after graduation when your dreamy man realizes his colleagues look down on his party-boy lifestyle and no women can accept his 100-hour work weeks. As long as there’s still chemistry between you, you’ll have him tied down in no time.

Sincerely,

Alf

Dear Alfred,

Why is the banking recruitment process so difficult?

Sore in South Station

Clearly suit season has hit its stride since half of my mailbox is about recruiting. In my day, the banking recruiting process was simple. We would throw applicants onto the trading floor and have them fight to the death with their umbrellas and briefcases. Now with the alliance of the CDO and HR, you have to endure weekend bus trips, coffee chats, informational interviews, and bitter Finance Club leadership battles. Like the adult film industry, this process weeds out those who won’t bend over backwards or enjoy being degraded for the job.

For those who can handle the rigors of recruiting, you will become a part of the highest-paid club of new hires in Manhattan. And after the sweat and tears have dried, you will love that job more than any other MBA graduate loves their job. So years from now, how would you react when some nobody with no experience tries to take your job? Wouldn’t you make their lives miserable?

Best Wishes,

A.P.S.

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