Fifteen

Our very own MIT Sloan prophet, Alfred P. Sloan shares wisdom and advice to help perpetually-confused MIT Sloan students. Do you have a problem? Ask Alfred for the answer at askalfredp@gmail.com.

Dear Alfred,

What’s up with this collective hysteria about The Core?

Confounded in the Warehouse

Dear Confounded,

Oh yes, the yearly ritual of “Core Madness” is upon us. Taking a page from the Dancing Plague of 1518, the MIT Sloan administration rejoices in creating a reinforcing loop of angst for academic achievement amongst those of us who want an MIT degree without the actual effort.

Fear not my good friend for the beauty of being graded on a curve means that there’s always someone dumber and less committed to academic achievement than you’ll ever be, which in essence guarantees you that B in Accounting. The collective wisdom tells you to enjoy your two year vacation. Drink, heavily. Travel to remote and exotic places, but only brush your teeth using the local beer. Explore MIT, that’s where the smart people hide. Most important of all, avoid doing things that will get you kicked out of school: quote your sources, refrain from cheating on your assignments and avoid sending threatening homophobic emails to your fellow students. Wait, what?

Al “Professional Standards” Sloan

Dear Alfred,

Now that the chances of landing that full-time offer from Lehman are thinner than the Patriot’s depth at QB I’m revisiting my employment prospects. What’s your advice?

Subprime in Beacon Hill

Dear Subprime,

I feel your pain. Well, not really. Banking is a miserable profession and BCG and Bain will hire anybody these days so if you’re willing to spend the next two years of your life pitching Porter models to the Dairy industry while commuting to that bucolic Motel 6 in the middle of rural Wisconsin then you’ll be fine.

Not fond of the Eat Cheese or Die State? Then parlay your Rock Band skills into a faculty position at MIT. With your newfound mastery of the music industry you’ll be able to discuss Apple iTunes case studies ad nauseam while snickering at the Sloan Fellows’ funny accents.

– Al “Yellow Butter” Sloan

Dear Alfred,

I have a core team member of mine who keeps organizing all these events and insisting on us to join him. The problem is, he spends money like a drunken sailor on shore leave and I am here on student loans and simply cannot keep up with him. How can I make sure I am not left out without having to sell my body to science?

Indebted in Inman

Dear Indebted,

It appears you are experiencing a phenomenon called the “Latin effect”. You see, a business school, more than a place for academic learning, is a place where people from different backgrounds and cultures come to gain a better understanding about one another. Part of that involves demystifying some of the pre-conceived notions people might have about one’s group. As such, Turkish people will pretend they don’t eat pork “because they don’t like it”, consultants with two-years paid and guaranteed job offers will do non-profit over the summer to look like they give a s*it and Colombians will flash around big piles of cash like they’re Pablo Escobar.

Luckily for you, this problem is easily solved. All you need to do is stick around long enough for them to get drunk (around 6PM or so) and wait for the free drinks to start pouring out. It won’t help you go on that random trip to Cancun they just must miss a week of classes for but if you can put up with the loud conversations for long enough at least it should be enough for a free cocktail or two.

– Alfred

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