Fifteen

Issue date: 9/15/09 Section: Humor

Tomagotcha

Nametag 2.0

Temporary Tats

Over the past 15 years of editing A La Mode, I have arrived at this Septembral truism: If money grows on trees, we denude our groves in Fall to show our "true" colors.

Pick your poison. Was it the overzealous REI expedition in prep for a 3 hour trek? Was it the siren song of the Swiss luggage section? Did we wander into the Kendall Square bookstore with acquisitive family members and wander out with the requisite 37 pieces of flair? Did we cast ourselves as Reformed Flippies through a wardrobe rebalance in Saks? Are we distancing ourselves from our iSank'r fellows by shorting the suits for sartorial T's?

Are we trying to mask our pronouncedly un-lockjaw drawl under pink and green Brahmin confections from Lilly Pulitzer? Tell me, Oh Best Beloved, even if we were to make more extensive use of the MITNA facilities, do we really want to hazard water logging our smart new topsiders at the bottom of the Muddy Charles?
Forgive us these transactions. My formative years at Kimberly Clark managing the Depends® line drive me to recall the mantra: "One man's infirmity is another man's annuity." Thus, our loyal readers will find between the sheets of this thick issue exacting documentation of the most promising pitches ever to grace the 100K. Go forth and monetize, oh future captains of industry! A guochanhua couldn't ask for more. When you eclipse the Fashion 500, please remember your faithful correspondents at À La Mode.

In social risk we trust,
Ana O'Tume



Cogs
Because your copy of the Sloan face book is already dog-eared and/or pilfered. Why stalk "study" solo when you can grab your oceanic slammer and make your way to BHP for a nostalgic round of wheeling and dealing? Who knows? You might even collect some autographs and/or digits.

Tomagotcha
It's 3AM. Do you know where your breadboard inventory is? Not even Rumor can get in the way of giving your team's Littlefield factory much needed TLC. Smack talk without anxiety knowing your ranking intel is updated real time

Mood Rats
Because availability at Sloan can be as capricious as the OP Project grading system and wedding bands only communicate so much. Update the finish on these "brass" beauties to reflect your current status.
• White Gold = off market
• Gold = game on
• Iron = I'm shacking up on the sly; let's hear your pitch


Nametag 2.0
Because you go by a pronounceable/less stodgy nickname… Or perhaps communal nametags allocated by classroom factor prominently in your utopian vision. Mod yours with a solar panel for a handy icebreaker with your 100K energy track team (not that you'll see enough daylight to make use of it).

Mobile holsters
No wardrobe is complete without a slick holder for your mobile addiction device of choice. Mine snaps into a patent leather pistol holster (I'm the quickest draw on the re: googlegroups threads).


C-Function Bonsai
Despite your plans to desiccate your Israeli cactus with your brown thumb, it has proven heartier than a settlement on the West Bank. Why not bring it home a buddy on your way past the Japan C-function fundraiser table?

Rumor Mill
Leveraging the analytic and visualization technologies of longtime collaborators, HubSpot and Ambient, Rumor Mill aggregates traffic flow across the largest social thoroughfares on the information superhighway to give you a barometric read on how brightly your star shines today. What's that? An unflattering Facebook tagging? A lukewarm reception in BHSC?! To the Batcave!

Mode Cans
With so much construction and cacophony outside Dewey, it can be hard to decipher whether a Second Floor Scholar is truly deep in thought or just trying to get far from the maddening crowd. The LEDs in these cans automatically link to your instant messenger status to route RL schmoozers.
• Red = OMG, DMD problem set is due in 30 mins and I still haven't figured out how to use Solver!
• Yellow = Keep it to < 2 mins and under no circumstances ask how my interview went or why you saw me with [omitted] last weekend.
• Green = I'm open, my ears are burning!
• Fuchsia = Away DJ'ing this insane event at a nightclub off the Commons. The bouncers didn't take Curhan's Negotiations class, so don't whine to me if you forgot your passport, mate.


Slackoffs
Snap effortlessly into the carrels of the LGO office for a quick catnap between stops on your ridiculously overbooked course schedule (martini not included; stress tested up to 250 lbs of force).

Temporary Tats
It might have started with a dollar sign, but really, the possibilities are endless. Particularly harried networkers awaiting their Cogs or Mood Rats can mock up a custom forehead-sized "Hi! My Name Is…" of vital stats for the high season. Map erogenous zones for your latest flame(s) with treasure map themes. Supplement size 5 font Finance cheat sheets with a skin-based expansion pack.

Sippy cups
Maybe family-friendly events mandate discretion. Or maybe it takes *a lot* of incentive to get you to the Z-Center. Whatever your reason, a little liquid courage can't hurt. Share with your audience to neutralize post-deflationary disappointments.

Mail folder alert
The definitive response to the information age-old question: Why even put time-sensitive info in our physical mailboxes?! These pretties take the liberty of email/sms'ing you an alert the second your graded Comm Paper hits your inbox. Configure weight-based spam filters so the latest deal on alterations doesn't cause a stampede to E52.


Overland Railroad
There comes a point in every Sloanies' night when they find themselves stranded. The T has stopped and their BAC is too compromised to successfully hail a cab. Overland Railroad plugs your iPhone into a supportive network of adjacent Sloanies and shelters which can provide you with transport, asylum and saltines until the fog lifts. Newly enhanced with oversized buttons and slur recognition for easier navigation.

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